Everdoll Pre-release Thoughts and Everything in Between (a veryyy depressive blog)

OCT.22 2026

Before my first self-published book came out, I’d always wanted to write something, but I never had the time or the motivation. However, life has been really tough lately, and I realized I’d want to be able to look back on this process years from now. That’s why I’m here and writing this…

might be tw?: depression, pet loss

First off, the ARC process… it went better than I expected. I found 101 readers, and people gave me wonderful feedback. That’s how I realized I’d done something right with my marketing. However, that number was actually quite low, because as people opened the email and downloaded the book, the percentage of those who actually read it kept dropping. Right now, there are only a few hours left until the book is released, but I have 8 reviews. Normally, I’d be thrilled with this number, but lately, I feel emotionally drained… I wonder if I’d be affected if more reviews came in, but I don’t think so… I used to overthink negative reviews for hours, but even that feels like a waste of time now. I can’t take anything seriously or appreciate anything. I’m afraid I’ll stay this way forever. I’ve been like this since the beginning of 2026, and now it’s October, and it still isn’t getting better. On the contrary, it’s getting worse every day.

I feel like I’ve lost all hope in this world. It’s a very cruel and difficult world to live in. I’ve decided to keep this post personal, so I’m going into a little more detail.

My Kivi, my love <3

I’m vegan. And sometimes I even sit down and cry over a dead bee I see on the street. Even though I’ve been on social media less lately, whenever I open it, I see dying storks or the cruelty inflicted on caged chickens, and I cry even more. And in real life too… I lost my budgie a few days ago. She fought harder than usual, but in the end, she gave up. I cried for hours and couldn’t pull myself together, but at the same time, I was happy for her. These little creatures carry so much pain in their tiny bodies that sometimes you think it’s better for them to die. That’s why I want her to rest where she is now and not have to fight anymore. I miss her so much, and the impact on me hasn’t faded even after days.

Aside from that... my friend was in a minor car accident, and somehow I got involved too. I spent hours, no actually, DAYS, dwelling on this situation. And in the end, my friend blocked me. I won’t get into who was right or wrong, but things like this really affected me too. I won’t even mention that I was just discharged from the hospital two weeks ago.

When I started promoting Everdoll, a friend and I had a falling out because of my selfishness, and we’re not on speaking terms right now. The more I think about it, the more I feel like I’ll just find something negative to say, so I’m keeping quiet for now.

As for Everdoll’s pre-release period… as I said, the ARC process went better than I expected, but there were a few pronoun errors and typos in the copy I sent to readers. Just a few, really. But my biggest mistake was treating the ARC mailing list like my own newsletter list. I didn’t have to tell these people everything. If I hadn’t mentioned that the book switched from third-person to first-person in the last month, I don’t think most of them would have even noticed. But now they’re all talking about it in their reviews. No one will care about your hard work, and they’re not wrong about that. I’m just mad at myself.

When I started writing this book two years ago to get over a broken heart and a friend who betrayed me, I didn’t have anything serious in mind. Come to think of it, Everdoll was just a random idea I decided to go with on a random Tuesday. But then I got involved with the community, and I saw how much time people were putting into this, and how much passion they had for it. I thought I could do it too, but 2026 was a year when I was completely lost in real life, and sitting down at the computer to write the book, believe me, felt impossible while I hadn’t yet gotten my life in order. But I’d already written nearly 100k words, and it was too late to give up. I told myself, “At least I’ll finish this.” I wanted to have a finished product after putting in so much effort, but when I saw the comments… maybe I shouldn’t have done it. With everything already piling up, I feel suffocated and depressed because I spent so much time on something that wasn’t good for me. Neither financially nor emotionally.

Maybe it was because it was my first book... I still feel that way because I know that if I were to write another book, I’d write it in a much more relaxed and organized way. In fact, I’m already thinking about finding a different pen name and writing a thriller romance. (like... I learned a lot during this process, so it would be a shame if that went to waste.) Because, as I said, I started writing Everdoll to escape reality, but it turned into something where it itself became one of the realities I wanted to escape. I don’t want that; I want those moments of freedom when writing feels like taking a breath again. 

Starting a new story will give me that. And this time, I won’t have to strain my eyes with constant re-editing or proofreading like I did with Everdoll, because I can now look at everything through an editor’s eye. Of course, for now, I don’t want anything to do with writing or Word in my life. I’m just going to focus on my academic life and get back to my hobbies because, oh my god, I MISS MY HOBBIES! Being a weird girl and fangirling. Writing yuri fanfic was so much more fun lol.

In the end, the process didn’t go as I’d hoped, but there are a few people who pre-ordered the book (14), and I hope they’ll like it. Overall, my debut book is coming out! Instead of feeling excited, I actually feel a little relieved. Even though I’m supposed to be the happiest person in the world, I feel like I’m doing everything just because I have to. I shared another piece of art today, and... I’d commissioned this one with so much excitement, but when I posted it, I didn’t feel excited at all. I don’t know how I’m going to keep promoting it as if I’m still passionate about it. It makes me feel so fake, but I’ve put a lot of time into this book, and I just need to push through a little longer.

This feeling will probably pass in a few months, or even a few days. But for now, I don’t even want to see a single page of Everdoll. I hope the characters I love more than anything will one day become a “safe place” for other people, just as they are for me.